Timothy Brown A Poetic madman of a simular cloth

I came from hell 

 And these are my experiences 

 I was never protected so I lost my innocence  

I did not like me  

So, I tried to find happiness in all of you  

Plain and simple 

I suffered from abuse  

I did not know right from wrong  

I was not taught it as a youth  

I grew up emotionally deprived 

 I lived a life full of lies  

I created my own demise 

I had these unheard cries  

That frightened me  

As I would run and hide  

From my daddy  

As he beat my mama badly  

And I could not do anything but watch 

 Watch him make her scream  

Watch him take her breath  

And as I looked, I saw the look of death 

 And I envisioned my mama laid to rest  

Then he looked at what he had done  

Turned around and he left  

My hatred grew 

And my father I despised  

You see the anger I had  

Resurrected the cries  

And the gift of innocence  

Was never actualized  

You see I grew up too quickly  

And in my soul, I died  

Crying “why” out to God  

“Why” the pain inside  

“Why” the abuse  

As a baby and a youth  

All I wanted was to love and be loved  

I thought I had found it in people 

 And drugs  

Yes, I grew up with no father  

No example to follow  

All I had left was my heart of stone  

Because I had to survive in this jungle all alone  

I wish I had a father now  

More than ever  

But my father is dead now  

Gone forever  

So, from the pit of my soul  

I wrote him a letter  

“Dear daddy I wish you knew  

That all I ever wanted you to do  

Was to love me and guide me through  

And protect the innocence I once knew”  

“I wish that I could talk to you  

So, you can see the true inner me”  

Instead, as I look up to God in prayer  

I ask forgiveness for my father and for me  Because this poison will complete my destiny  An act of total blasphemy  

But at that moment  

I will see  

The epiphany  

That this painful legacy, my father  

In death, this day, will end with me  

Timothy Brown  

 
I cannot afford to be locked on this ward  With inhumane treatment as my reward  

I hear voices telling me the food is poisoned  My mind is sensitive to outside noises  

I am not an experiment so don’t test my temperament  

Let me feel what I feel so I won’t feel resentment  

You call me non-compliant  all I did was deny this medication and its science  

I rely on you for my sanity  so please show me some humanity  

You people give me needles  when in my mind I think they are lethal  

I’m scared I fear that I will be killed  by your methods and pills  

Yet and still, you give me medicine against my will  

I know I’m unusual  but not everything is corrected by pharmaceuticals  

Why do you rush me?  take me down, break me and crush me  

I developed real fears of you through the years  

I question if any one of you cares  

Therapy is telling me that everything is wrong with me  

meanwhile I long to be  rid of this pain  

I truly want to sustain  

but something is bugging me inside of my brain  

These beds are so cold  

It’s like inside my soul  

the food doesn’t feed it, it’s filthy with mold  

the men and women are distanced and separate 

 and affection is discouraged to our discredit  

You see we need love and touch just like everyone else  

So just maybe we can learn to love ourselves  Timothy Brown 

 
Remember when you indicted my soul  

I was only 19 years old  

I was locked me up with criminals  

I was shamed and belittled  

Now I can’t break the embarrassment  

Not even a little  

I abused drugs 

I’ll be the first to admit this  

Tore my brain cells apart and my family had to witness this  

As a result I became cold and ambivalent  

I became a rebel and a militant  But in spite of it all  

I became very resilient  

From the streets, the jails  The hospitals, the people  

The cells, the wards  The sheets, the needles  

You don’t want to admit this  

But you made my life shit  

Stained and perverted it  

And as god is my witness  

The pain is legitimate  

My recourse is force  

Pathological actions no feelings of remorse  And the source is abuse  

Anger on the loose  

The rage and the violence I’ve seen as a youth  

The truth is this  

My cries became useless  

My heart became ruthless  

Clueless in a world that’s not fair  

Now I fear I will lose it  

I imagined perfection  And divine direction  Desiring to be whole  

Through thoughts of selection  

I imagined an earth  Where I’m loved from my birth  

Where I’m master of all I survey  

And observe  Instead of acknowledging my efforts you call me insane  

You send me to places where I have no first name  

Don’t matter  My strong will remains  

You can’t break me with your controls and mind games  

You can’t break me because I’m a king  Protected and held under Gabriel’s wings  

Your persecution is futile  

And it don’t mean a thing  

I’m locked in this hospital but my mind is not caged  

So feel the power of my wrath and my rage  If you see 

I don’t fear you then we’re on the same page  I’m through with assumptions that I cannot function that my life is on a path of destruction  

Your presumptions are deadly  

But I’m ready and able  

To expose all the fables  

And put peace and equality on the table  

See me as equal  

Don’t see me as feeble  

Tell me you love me  

Be good to me people 

 I deserve it  

Timothy Brown